PS I love you
by silent12reader
Summary: PLAN: She'll make it big and when she's ready, she'll come back, tell him 'I'm home' and they'll live happily ever after. But Finn is gone and Rachel doesn't know how she'll go on w/o him. Finn tho, has it all planned out too. 2 Months later, Rachel receives "The List": a letter for each of the 10 months following his death, instructing her to perform series of unexpected tasks.


**I wanted to be a beta so I had to put up more stories, I'm more of a reader anyway so yeah, anyone who wants a beta… I'm heeerrreeee! Pm me. haha.**

**Note: The idea is all throughout the story, there's gonna be a hint(keyword: HINT) of pezberry, that's why I tagged Santana. BUT there's TONS of Finchel feelings in here, so if you can't stand that, then don't read. Also, this is the first time I ever thought of Finchel. so the characters maybe OOC.**

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**Based off from PS, I Love You by Cecelia Ahern.**

**A bit canon-ish and AU-ish. Haha. Here's a Try.**

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**Chapter One:**

**The List**

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I had been personally asked "how are you?" 43 times this day, and had received 23 messages of "how are you holding up?", "call me when you need someone to talk to.", and "We're all here for you. Stay strong." I don't even want to go through my voicemail today, 'cause I knows I'll be receiving the same kinds. I don't need it. I'm _fine. _Some of them weren't even from people who _knew _Finn, so why would they bother?

When people ask you those questions, do they really want to know if _you _are feeling okay, or if you _really are _holding up? Or were they just following some routine in life in which you give sympathy and condolence to someone who had _lost _someone?

I had perfected my faux smile over the years. And I can't believe I'd be using it _now. _Now, that Finn Hudson is dead. It's peculiar how the loft in New York which I share with _Kurt_ and _Santana_ feels so _empty. _Why will it feel empty? It's not like Finn has lived with us. Why do I_ feel empty?_ I had moved on. We didn't work in high school. He _left. _I found Brody, he came back, and he _left __**again. **_We had a clean break-up. Valentines came, we slept together and _I _left. Surely that was the universe telling us that we won't be together, right? But _why _does it feel like the air in my lungs has been knocked out when I knew that he _left _and there's no chance that he'll ever come back?

Maybe it's the finality. We keep closing doors to each other but He finally put a lock on it.

"Why? I had it all planned out for us."

He smiles at me. That dopey smile, sort of a half-smirk as Santana would insist, but charming either way, Kurt would've agreed. It's something viral inside me, that I can't keep out of my head. "I had it all planned out too."

Then his smiles turns half-hearted. "You're crying again. Because of _me." _

My hand went immediately up to reach to my damped cheeks. I didn't even notice…

"I—" suddenly, he's fading and I began to panic. No. Don't leave me again. I lean in to reach out to him, but I hear the sound of my two roommates' bickering. I wiped the tears off of my face, flattened my skirt and went to check on to my friends. Sometimes, those two fight even to the most stupidest (yes, that's how stupid it is) things, and Santana wouldn't hesitate to go physical on Kurt so I had to step in. Actually, it's probably the only thing that makes it feel _normal _around the loft, these days, so I don't complain.

"What's going on?" I scanned the living room and saw the duo straighten up as Kurt tried to snatch something behind Santana's back, and Santana had immediately slapped the hand away. Can this two be more childish?

"Nothing!" Kurt replied immediately as he threw a glare at Santana's way, and rubs his hand. "Have you eaten yet?" He smiled at me and immediately went to the kitchen counter to prepare the food he bought.

I decided to focus on my other roommate who is oddly quiet. Weird "What's that?"

"Nothing!" Kurt insisted. So, that's definitely something.

"Santana?" I tap my foot and cross my arms. Now I think I'm acting like a mother and, my two kids had just done something wrong.

Santana and Kurt took a glance at each other and I feels like the two had just some silent conversation by just looking at each other. Santana turns to me and says in the most nonchalant way she could have possibly done, "It's just a prank. No big deal." If there was some prank master in the house, it'll definitely be Santana. I wouldn't have a problem with it, because the receiving end of those tricks is usually Kurt, and I'm usually an accomplice. But something about the situation tells me that this isn't the usual prank Santana had been pulling off for years. I could sense that the brunette is _nervous, _sad, and angry at the same time. An odd combination.

What's with that package?

I take a step forward towards the Latina and gauges their reaction. I knew Santana is trying to keep her cool, Kurt on the other hand, went to complete panic mood.

"Don't you have anything else to do?" Santana snaps at me but I knew she's just trying to divert my attention away from the package.

I stopped at an armlength distance across Santana. "what's in the package?"

Santana narrows my eyes on my, "Nothing."

I chuckled a bit, "Now there's definitely something wrong. We both know you can come up with something better than that."

I see Kurt taps Santana's shoulder and he threw her a knowing look.

Santana takes a step back and a deep breath.

"We thought it's a prank. Well, I did." Santana mumbles under her breath. Slowly, Santana brings out the package behind my back and hands it to me. "It's address to you."

For a moment, I just stare at it. It's a small box, wrapped in yellowish brown paper, the ones you used for shipping. And I wonders what could it possible contain, considering its size. I don't remember ordering something, and I knew very well that my fathers hadn't sent me anything. If they did, they would've texted me. I wait for more details as I return my gaze back to the two, and I am surprised to see them staring back at me with poignant eyes. I take it from Santana's hold, and notice that it's light. _Too light. _What could it be?

I started tugging at the packaging tape around it and the sound echoed through the walls of the apartment.

It's a small box and inside it were small envelopes.

Suddenly, there's this unidentified feeling inside my stomach and my hands begin to shake.

"Honey, are you okay?" I feel Kurt put his arms around my shoulder and I realize that I'm crying again. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just stop crying? _I'm tired—_No. _exhausted _even. I want to stop crying. I want to feel okay. I want to be _better. _But mostly, I _just _want him back. I want _him _to hold me. I want to feel him.

It can't be.

I'm being pulled towards the couch, and before I know it, I was plopped down the couch with Kurt And Santana both in my sides. Santana tried to get the small box from me but I held to it tighter.

"Where did you get this?" I asked after some minutes of sobbing into Kurt's chest.

Kurt was finger-combing my hair and I feel Santana running circles through my back.

"I think… it arrived last month when…" Santana cuts herself. And then I knew when. A week after Finn's…

"We just kept it aside. You know, when you're ready. Then I was cleaning up and I saw it." Kurt says.

I nod weakly.

I didn't really acknowledge the feeling I got when I saw the envelopes. This isn't supposed to exist.

"What is it?"

I gulp, and I try to put myself together. I made a little noise in my throat and turned to Santana.

"It's the list." I said after some tries.

I hear Kurt's gasp beside me and Santana looks at me in confusion.

_Oh Finn._

"Back in our first week in New York… I… We… " I pointed my hand towards Kurt. "made this List. You know how you and the other people in Glee club would joke around how clingy I am to Finn? And that I couldn't last a day without him?" I look her in the eyes and I suddenly feel guilty. Santana was mean to me back in high school, and she's still is most of time, but I know now, that we _are _friends. As I look into her eyes I saw regret and _pain. _She wouldn't say it out loud but I know she is hurting too. Finn is like a taboo in the apartment. The atmosphere just switches every time it is mentioned.

I grab her hand and squeeze it hoping she would understand that it's okay. It's forgiven.

"One day, we've just decided to make a list of the things I'll do when he's…" I swallow the lump in my throat and force the words out of my mouth. "gone." Back then, I've never thought he would really be gone.

"It's stupid. I mean we break up _man_y times, and every time, I thought it would've hurt less, you know?" and now I'm a crying mess again. This time though, I feel Santana squeeze my hand. I hold into her tighter.

"But it doesn't. I just feel like someone's putting salt into an open wound. Or someone stabs my heart over and over, and I just…"

Maybe I'm a masochist. I spent my entire high school chasing this guy who I never thought would've been mine. He was with _the Quinn Fabray. _I spent sophomore year watching _my leading man _walk around with his perfect girlfriend on the side. Imagine how my world came crashing down when rumors about Quinn getting pregnant spread like wildfire. I had to give my underwear to _Jewfro. My underwear _to the most disgusting, perverted guy in high school. just to save the person, that the person I'm in love with, is in love with. This person who tortures my life every single day.

Then he slept with Santana. Fine. I'm not with him that time, and it wasn't cheating. I wouldn't go dwell on that. but sometimes it just feels like he's just waiting to get out of our relationship to be with someone else… Namely Quinn Fabray. No matter how heartbreaking it is to see him go back-and-forth with me and Quinn, I still find it in myself to befriend her. Seriously, what is wrong with me?

It's not like Finn's the only guy out there for me. Jesse St. James was there. And maybe Noah Puckerman. But deep inside I know that I've set my mind. My heart belongs to him. _He's my person._

I notice Kurt and Santana looking at me, and I'm pulled back to reality. I spaced out again. I remember where we were and what we were doing.

"For some weird reasons, it just made me love him more." Kurt tightens his hold on me. He understands too, right? Even though he and Blaine has been through something too.

"When I was in high school, I've always thought Finn will be my boyfriend." Santana nods. Maybe she understands it. she had a rough ride with Brittany before too. "But things changed when we broke up at the train station. A few months passed, he came back only to leave again. Then that's the last straw for me. And so I made a list. Things I'll do without him."

There was silence. As if everyone was absorbing my words, and I think that they were reflecting on their own love lives. Then Santana says, "is this it?"

I gently shake my head. This wasn't it.

I know Santana is utterly confused by now.

"I mentioned it to him once. When he asked how Rachel was doing. And he just smiled at me." Kurt answered. Suddenly, I see _him _smiling at me from across the living room. Like he's been there all along, smiling proudly as if this was his plan all along.

"Okay, so this was your idea then?" Santana and I look expectantly at Kurt.

He shakes his head. Now, I'm confused too.

"I had no idea he would do this. It _is _from him, right?"

I look down into the envelopes. Each envelope has month written on it in Finn's handwriting. I grab the "August" one, the month Finn died. I opened it and slowly pulled out the paper inside.

I read what was written over and over. I didn't have to look back, because I know both Kurt and Santana weren't eavesdropping. I take in all that he has left for me.

I just stare across the living room and see him with that same smile. I could hear his voice in my head reading his message to me.

As I trace the edge of the paper, even while seating, I feel my knees weaken, an overwhelming feeling wash through my body as my heart went soaring.

It still has the same effect.

It brings me back to life. I still feel the shivers run down my spine.

"_PS I love you"_

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**So, question. Either you want Finn to die because he secretly had cancer (that's why he had to break up with Rachel) and so he had predicted when he would die, or he dies because of drugs, and just thought of doing the letters because Kurt had mentioned it and either Carol or Puck or anyone was asked by Finn to give it to Rachel sometime in the future. ;)**

**PS. I love you!**


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